P / P Essay: Take Time (open up.)

time

Photo credit: Mayan Calendar from Living Maya Time.

I can’t contain is any longer. I help raise a child for nearly two years and lost him when I walked out after being violated for the last time. His family may deny it, but I loved him. I may never see him again after not enough time to heal, I have to let him go.  

I am childless. I had a corrective surgery to grow my chances of having one but now I am fatherless, waiting, selective, private, in pain. My husband is not barren, we are in an open relationship, growing apart day by day living in different cities. I like the space. I like to travel. Soon, I will be husbandless, fatherless. My father is going to be in hospice soon. I have to see him dying of cancer this weekend. 

I can’t hold it in anymore. I have no one to send this to. I could publish, but it’s not polished. I’m just writing, letting it go. The men in my life are all falling away. My uncle, my mother’s baby brother died two days ago. I’ve got more haters and complaints than I can count while I go through grief. Harassed, yelled at laughed at, hit on, loved and hated. I’m not dying. No phone calls, please. I’ve got to quit smoking.  

I said I’d quit falling for musicians, but life is what it is. The pain I feel gives me space and time, time and space – at least someone understands. 

I’ve lost a child. 

I’m losing my father. 

My uncle has passed away. 

I’m being verbally abused by strangers on the daily, tracked, stalked, thwarted to the best of their abilities. Complaints, the complaints. No empathy, no sympathy. No human connection. People not wanting to hear me or understand – I’m being abused. I’ve been violated. Violence is all around me.  

I use my voice, but they don’t stop. I stand up, a rebel, but I’m not a rebel, just a woman on the dealing with loss who knows how to stand up, draw the line, set boundaries, wait, listen, breath, sleep, eat, indulge when it feels right, never with sex though. My body is my sacred space. I don’t have affairs; I have friends who I allow to connect with me once in a while. I have partners, lovers, family. My family. My body makes people my family. I am wholesome but not naïve. I’m childlike, maybe whimsical, but not a fool. Some call me a saint, others a devil. I don’t care. 

Loss. Men are leaving me, dying or living wondering where I am.  

Let me grieve. 

Why do I have to live in a hostile environment while all of this is happening. I came for solace and self love until I am ready to connect again. 

Complaints, the complaints, the phone calls complaining about a woman. A young woman who just wants to be alone with her thoughts until she’s ready. Why won’t people understand – I can’t concern myself. I can’t. I have no motive. I have nothing up my sleeve. I’m not pulling tricks, I have no desire to play games. I am human who lost my family, who is losing family. I don’t want to fight, I want to love when it’s time, when I’m ready – people don’t want me to heal. I don’t know what makes their vendettas. I don’t know.  I’m not the most successful woman in the world. There’s not much to envy.  

I’m smart. I get that, but I’m smart because I live my life the way I want. I naturally like to learn and read. I was born liking books. My mother taught me to learn. She is no threat. Neither am I. I can’t convince. I have no righteousness. I just people go away if they don’t have good intentions. Why? I’m not paranoid.

I don’t beef. I don’t battle. I live day to day and give myself 50 feet. If I have to fight for it, I will. This is not about power for me. I am being myself. I attained what I have because I was and am being my natural self and if that poses a threat or envy, it is not of my doing. 

Doctored documents in the mail. False complaints telling lies about me not locking my door. Who cares what I do with the door I’ve paid for. I’ve paid for in time, cleaning it, locking it, getting extra locks on it. I have extra locks and a security alarm and they say I don’t lock my doors. Who cares? No one has come in as a consequence. So, who cares? 

I have jewelry to match the heart and intention of family, help – the only one who helped without me asking. One person. Helping without me asking. How profound. I’m not being sarcastic. When people turn against you – when my peaks and valleys all had clouds over them, storms, I saw the help and didn’t say a thing. 

Many helped in the beginning, but the gossip, my pain – it all turned away. Such is life.  

Such is life. 

Don’t speculate or guess. 

Don’t assume. 

Don’t make up stories. 

No one knows who my lover is because I am not making love. I’m not having extra-marital affairs. I am faithful. I don’t take several lovers at once. I have one partner at a time aside from my husband and I’m not ashamed. It’s not wrong. It’s not evil. It’s not a reason to hate me. It’s a bit different, but I’m not a cheater. I’m not a devil. I am faithful. I can be trusted. 

933 words. 

I’m not running, I’m confused about why I have to leave. The Complaints. False documents, threats. I don’t want to leave. I’m not running though, I’m moving on. Folks around me aren’t nice. I don’t have to live like that. I don’t have to be around negative energy. 

Let the complaints go. 

Look forward. 

Move on. 

Take time. 

 

 

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