Written By: Jordannah Elizabeth
(I didn’t take any photos yesterday to go along with this post because I left my phone at home… on purpose.) My fast will begin on June 1st.
I was sitting in the back of a small club last night to watch a hip hop show. After an attempt to be depressed by sleeping until 10 pm that day, I had woken up with plans to go right back to bed. My house was lively and full of racket and I heard someone say, ¨White boy!¨ and loud laughter ensued. Racial stereotypes was actually the very subject that had been draining me as ¨white supremacy¨ has become the buzzword and hot topic of the moment in our culture, and I just wanted to get away.
I took a quick shower and walked a few blocks to my destination. I bought myself a drink, opened a tab and sat casually on one of the couches in the club. I made small talk with strangers sitting next to me, but mostly kept to myself enjoying the few moments I had where I didn´t have to think. I let the music flow over me and sat quietly.
A young woman was rapping that evening and I thought she was very good. She said to the crowd, ¨My brother is in jail for a crime he didn’t commit, everyone say Justice for Joe Black!¨ By this time I was in the back of the room on a bar stool. (I ended up mingling at the very end of the night as some kind acquaintances and friends trickled in.) I wore a fitted white tee shirt and jeans and no jewelry except my wedding rings. I left my phone home because I wanted peace. Nonetheless, I made mental notes of my night as I planned to write this entry with vividness, so I made a point to remember the name, Joe Black.
I thought about the name again this morning while I showered and imagined how I would structure this diary. I worked to remember the mental notes I made at the club last night, but the only thing I had truly vowed to remember was that name, because Joe Black was the most important person I learned of that night, even though he wasn’t there.
I don’t know where to start. I think this is why this fast and this diary is important. I will sincerely say this: I feel I have gotten into some relationships with people who have a lot of anger and sadness within themselves and it is confusing the trajectory of my personal growth. We can call this fast selfish, but I think another problem I am having is that I am not selfish enough. Case and point:
This morning I woke up and was hungry. I had a few boiled eggs and some mixed greens and a few things, but I was out of a number of groceries. I wanted to just buy lunch at a restaurant and go grocery shopping later as I wanted to write this post and had to answer a text message I just hadn´t taken the time to answer. I wanted to put myself and my writing first but while I was walking out my door, I changed direction and went grocery shopping.
I know this seems mundane, but in examining myself I feel I´ve gotten into a routine of efficiency that may be overriding my artistic pursuits. I get to work on time every day. My husband and I have been dealing with banks, accountants, lawyers and paper work for two months as we have been dealing with balancing our assets. I spend time with my family, I spend time with my friends, but at this point I am beginning to realize I haven´t been spending much time with myself. think there is an internal message churning inside of me, and I can’t hear it. I have been putting out fires but I can´t deny that my heart is burning.
I am essentially a wanderer. I´ve wandered in my mind for my entire life and take pride in my vivid imagination. I lived on the road as a musician and journalist for about 10 years but recently, I have decided to take on the challenge of living in one place and planting some roots. Baltimore will always be a root since I was born here, but I have been wanting to challenge myself to create some consistency in my life. Starting a family has helped. Becoming a teacher and finding a comfortable flow in my job has helped, but my social relationships are going through challenges. I just know I need to find a balance.
To pull my internal pendulum back to the center I need to stop talking and I need to start listening to my heart. All my recent conversations have been about paperwork (all sorts of it) and when I talk to my friends we just talk about sex and being oppressed. Frankly, I don’t like carrying a defeatist mentality or perpetuate the notion of my oppression. I understand what´s going on on a social level, but I honestly don´t let the patriarchy or supremacists get me down. I don´t have to talk about it 24/7.
Sex is a very private thing for me, and I don´t like to talk about it much, so I don’t think I have been having a lot of nourishing interactions. There’s a lot of heaviness, pain and emotion that is sitting just under the surface of all of my interactions and I need to look within myself to understand what I am projecting and attracting.
With all of this said, any falling outs I have had lately have all come with 2 to 3 verbal boundaries from me: ¨I do not like your passive aggressive communication. If you need something, let me know.¨ ¨There is no need to insult me or dismiss me. I think you should get to know me before you judge my character.¨ ¨I need to take a step back and think if this friendship between us is right for me.¨ ¨I do not like the way you treat me sometimes, I need some space and will call you in a few days.¨ I have had to communicate this way with close family and friends lately and constantly. I believe I need to look within to understand what type of people I actually need in my life.
My mind is clear, which is a blessing and I am feeling physically strong, so now all I need to do is heal within my heart.
After that and a string of tense interactions with a handful of people (I am pretty private. My inner circle is usually a handful of people at a time), I just grew tired of talking.
- I don’t have much to say right now.
- I have no idea what I am feeling because my phone rings non stop
- My detox cleanse isn’t going the way I wanted as the teas aren´t potent as I need them to be
- I just want to chill out and bask in clear, clean, quiet energy